Since when did the term fresh get so inexplicably and irrevocably linked with the mint? Why is it that to be fresh I must essentially be mint? Somewhere I imagine there must exist some desperate and seedy conclave of mint farmers who’s shadowy arms reach into the farthest reaches of the globe. Who’s unseen hand have been orchestrating world events for the past 30 years, growing more powerful and influential with each passing year.

And now they have complete control over the world of freshness. Or they did… until Febreeze stormed onto the scene and with its futuristic nano-spray technology has been eating at the very core of the mint farmers global empire.

And war is now looming on the horizon. A terrible war between those who wield sprigs of soft leafy green and a group of lab coat-clad men and women with a powerful spray that leeches chemicals out of the very air.

Perhaps I am being overly critical of the plight of chemists and farmers. Perhaps they are merely working their jobs and have no interest in controlling the world through insidious infusion of their products into every last aspect of our lives until we are unsure where the Febreeze ‘freshness’ ends and the minty ‘freshness’ picks up.

Am I the only one that notices that almost daily a new product contains either Febreeze or mint? Am I simply delusional in my observations of Febreeze commercials and their none to subtle way of pronouncing that their product, and their product alone has the power to rid the world of foul odor causing germs that have apparently been growing in power since the dawn of time and should by all means be the size of rats and should leap out of cupboards and off of counter tops, coalescing out of the surface like the T-1000 from Terminator 2, and leap full-force onto our faces and begin wedging their way into our olfactory glands where they sett up tenement housing and begin roving the streets of our senses looking for bordellos in which they can propagate their foul breed?

We are so very lucky that Febreeze has emerged from the brains of mankind to fight this terrible menace, because the day is nigh when the germs that cause odor will find ways to infiltrate our very brains and drive us like inefficient SUVs up and down the highways of our lives.

Where, however, does that leave the forces of mint? Long have they too fought the dragon of un-freshness with their three prong attack of spearmint, peppermint, and the awe-inspiring wintergreen. Certainly cinnamon could be counted in their ranks, but only has a second class warrior, fodder to be tossed off at suicide missions and shoved aside by the more commando-class spearmint whenever necessary.

The germs of our mouths, those terrible squiggly worm like emanations are powerless against mint. The very idea of the tiny green leaves cause them to shrivel into singularities and disappear, not just from our mouths but from the realm of time and space. The almost imperceptible pops of their fading beating out a rhythm of triumph for the mint forces and the honorable men and women who cultivate them.

How will the ensuing war be fought? Where are the weapons and whence the battlefield? The human world, the trappings of man are under attack by germs and these two forces of ‘freshness’ are about to get medieval on those various cocctuses and burculi.

The warning shots have been exchanged, but in their desperate grab for power we will see Febreeze Mouth (TM R copyright): spray into mouth and be amazed as the Febreeze chemical locks onto germs and rips them screaming from the material plane into the darkness beyond. Or Clorox with Mint (TM R copyright): Rub vigorously on any surface of the kitchen or bathroom, Clorox with Mint’s powerful mint ingredients will take germs out back and execute them with the swiftness and ‘freshness’ of Mint!

Humanity in general will fall into these diametrically opposed camps and tussle in the streets shouting about the cool clean flavor of the existence ending formula. Unmarked vans will plow the streets at night and supporters and opponents alike will disappear into the mint fields or the Febreeze mines, never to be hear of again.

Rise up now, while there is still time and throw out your mint and Febreeze. Fear not the ravages of the ever growing power of germs and be secure in your belief that maybe taking out the garbage or opening a window will suffice in the war on germy odor. And next time you brush your teeth, imagine what it would be like if you could just rub something gritty on their without the sinus burning effect of mint.

I’ll see you in the underground fellow warriors of the ‘freshness.’